Pride in the Invisible Progress
Hi friend,
I recall the day when I was driving on the freeway, heading home from a doctor’s appointment in my rental car. It was later in the afternoon, the start of commuter traffic in Southern California. Traffic was thickening and both hands had a death grip on the steering wheel. I felt my entire body tense even more. Then all cars came to a halt. My heart felt like it was in my throat as I applied the brakes. As I watched from my rear-view mirror, the car behind me closing the space between us, I wondered if he’d stop in time. He did.
My eyes started darting around, looking for the nearest exit. Doing so would add a lot of drive time, navigating surface streets. I felt the tears welling up behind my eyes, my breath quickening. Was I having a panic attack? I let the tears flow and told myself to calm down and breathe. I said out loud, “You can do this. You can stay on the freeway and make it home. You have to do this.” And so I finished my drive home on that freeway, having worked through the fear and anxiety when I wasn’t sure I’d be able to. It was a proud moment.
Rewind to the week prior when I had been involved in a four-car, rear-end collision on a different freeway. My car, though drivable, was totaled due to the frame damage. I was back in chiropractic treatment after having been released the week prior. I had been the passenger in another rear-end collision on another freeway just three months before this recent accident. That’s two car accidents in three months and lots of chiropractic treatment.
That second accident jolted me. I felt unsafe getting behind the wheel. Being that I was single, I had no one else to help me with driving. Test driving vehicles because I had to get a new car was unnerving. Being in a car felt like everything was coming at me—I felt my body tense as if I was going to be in an accident again. I had been driving a Honda Accord at the time (which I am grateful for) and took on the force of a Ford Edge behind me and a pickup truck behind that. I rear-ended the Mini Cooper in front of me. So being in a car lower to the ground felt unsafe while so many of the vehicles around me were bigger. That’s when I decided I would need to upgrade to a small SUV.
Being in tune with my thoughts and how my body felt, choosing a small SUV was the right decision. It still took a lot of time for me to not tense up instantly when traffic in front of me braked or when cars were closer behind me than I preferred. I spent several months driving surface streets more than the freeways, and giving myself pep talks when traffic was heavy. With time, I worked my way through it.
There were moments in which I didn’t handle driving situations with grace. Fear was a regular companion for longer than I would’ve liked. Stress was present as I navigated it all mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. But there was no giving up. No one else was coming to rescue me. Things were challenging for a while, but I did it!
I share this as we all experience moments that test us in varying degrees. Life will certainly deliver hard punches leaving us feeling like the wind has been knocked out of us. For me, this one was particularly tough as I kept taking hard blows to the body and head, with the loss of my job just a few months after getting my new car. (Did I mention that accident also resulted in my first lawsuit ever?) It was a rough time and I didn’t brush any of it off. I allowed myself to feel what I needed to and worked through it.
Maybe you could use a moment to stop and look at how you’ve used your inner strength to keep going when you could’ve easily given up. Perhaps you could commend yourself—rather than beat yourself up—for navigating the tough times and making it to the other side. You won’t always be graceful or composed. The answers won’t always be easily accessible. But know that you are often stronger than you give yourself credit for.
Allow yourself to be proud of the progress you’ve made along the way, especially the progress that may not be visible to others.
- Jen